Believe me, it's really eerie. Now, the fact of Barney's existence on this show is written off as "imagination". But supposing it isn't?

Supposedly, Barney is just some guy in a big foam rubber dinosaur suit. Several things about this theory don't add up, however. Barney has full mobility, for one thing. Remember Big Bird? Did you ever notice how only one of his hands ever did anything and the other was always clutching his stomach like he was about to puke up gizzard stones? That's because Big Bird was a guy in a suit. That other hand was OPERATING HIS BEAK. Barney, however, has two fully functional arms, a working mouth, and LARGE, MOVING COW-LIKE EYES. If that's a man in there, he's no ordinary man. (Plus, he's repeatedly demonstrated the ability to leap in the air and CLICK HIS HEELS. Any NORMAL human would sweat like a cheese trying stunts like that.) If he's not a human, what is it? Let's speculate, shall we?

1) He's a real dinosaur. Possibly. Although resemblance to any known fossil remains is questionable, the geological record is far from complete. Since Barney is apparently warm-blooded, this would support current revisionit paleontological theory. (The singing ability is a new twist, however.) And how would we know if dinosaurs were purple or not? On the other hand, while he is built along the lines of a carinvore (Family Tyrannosauridae) his teeth seem those of a herbivore, or at best, an omnivore. Assuming those are teeth.

2) He's some evil supernatural entity posing as a warm, cuddly parent figure in order to train young children to be his unholy army of ultimate darkness. You know, the more I think about this one, the more likely it seems. Look at the facts. Kids LOVE him, and no one knows why. Adults think he's really creepy. Obviously, there are unclean forces at work here. The way to test this out would be to confront the fiend with a crucifix.

3) He's a space alien. This would explain a lot. Barney, as a xenomormorph, might have access to all sorts of technology that we couldn't even begin to comprehend: hypnosis beams, holographic projectors, even large-scale matter re-assemblers. All of theses could account for the "powers of imagination" as depicted on the show. As for his motives and purpose, see above.

Notice I waste no time asking if Barney SHOULD be stopped. Of COURSE he should be stopped. It's a given. But how?

1) Wait for him to go away. Most media darlings eventually do this. However, we can't afford to take chances. Our children's BRAINS are at stake.

2) Stuff a chicken and rock salt in his mouth, then sew his lips shut. You could, in fact, fit several chickens in there.

3) Find out where his power supply is and unplug him. If he's a space alien, he may well be a robot. Let's hope he doesn't have a breeder reactor in his tail. (Now that I think of it, he probably gets his power from...The Children's Television Workshop. Cut their funding!)

4) Stop believing in him. Scoff if you will. It worked with my boss at the car wash.

Anyway, I'm open to suggestions. If you think you know WHAT Barney is, or HOW to destroy him, let us know. Until there's an alt.barney.die.die.die we'll confine ourselves here. And remember, you won't get your kids back until Barney is dead.dead.dead.


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